Posts

It is Final.

 Bismillah,  I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to talk about this, or even write about this. So if this ended up on my blog I would take it as my way to express my feeling because god knows that I am notorious for being bad at expressing my feelings. I either don't know how to articulate my feelings or oversharing.  I have to take everything that happens must have happened with a reason. Life is nothing but a constant changing. But since I was little growing up we don't talk about our feelings. Everything was swept up under the rug. We never discuss or talk about how we were feeling and talk about why that feeling is there.  All my childhood ever since I can remember I was my mother's confidante. I was young and didn't know what to make of it or how to react. So I sat there listening to my mother talk about my father, my half siblings, my father's family side, my mother's family side. Her frustration, her anger, her disappointment everything that s

Aku rasa mati

aku rasa mati. yang aku rasa bila aku ingat rumah tak ada guna.  tak rasa nak duduk rumah.  aku nak lari.  jauh jauh pergi. tapi aku bukan sendiri.  aku pernah rasa ingin mati.  tapi aku padamkan bila ku bayang wajah dia. sekarang aku rasa hati ku mati.  disebabkan orang yang sama.  segalanya aku dahulukan mereka tapi mereka kini dahulukan diri sendiri aku hanya sekadar diperlukan selagi ada guna. untuk mereka kelihatan malaikat aku yang menjadikan sikap, sabar, kasih sayang mereka sebagai idola. kini merasa semuanya tidak berguna. apa perlu lagi usaha. buang segalanya pergi segalanya aku malu aku rasa mati.

Good for you

How are you? how is she? good for you  walking into my life like a mistakes take one look and i knew.   good for you  taunting me like a joke left me in pique every time just to get my attention riding after me all the way home good for you  I was the one who hated you first Those long late night calls putting me up in a pedestal  only to come crashing down the next morning every time the whole room could hear us the whole building knows about us and yet you never call it for what it was and good for her sitting back there turning her cheeks good for you so carefree so detached good for you treating me like your own good for you making me feel like I'm yours  when you already have her good for you do you sleep well? how your baby is he healthy? good for you for breaking her heart good for you for breaking mine  good for you she picked up the pieces left me picking up my own good for you for making me feels stupid all I felt was shame good for you I believed you good for you she lov

Vaccinated

 Assalamualaikum.  So 13 August 2021, i am officially done vaccinated,  1st dose was on 23 July three weeks ago. Almost no side effect except feeling sore on my arm. and dizzy due to anxiety and adrenaline. but overall everything was okay. People around me been telling me that 2nd dose is stronger than the first one. so what i do i drinks vitamin c few days before my 2nd dose appointment. The day off i take off from work not stressing out too much. And eat. my mother make sure that i ate. "Jangan pengsan pulak sat lagi." yup she even more worried than i am. but when i was waiting for my turn i was feeling like normal. not to high adrenaline or anything. as soon as i was in front of the room i start to panic and out of breath. almost screamed at the nurse, but i walk out of the room. okay. walked out. so i was fine. like i said a little bit dizzy.  after waiting for like 15 min i went home. now this is where i start to feel like i could faint or falls. like i could loose my ba

Left unsaid

I have told myself.  Many times, Repeating like a mantra, Stop thinking about it, Stop feeling it, Don't be like this. Don't give in. Don't show.  Don't.... I have forced myself,  To wake up, To get up, To keep walking, To keep smiling, To close my eyes at night and rest, I need to rest I deserved it.  I have told myself NO  Turn myself against it many times.  but  Like screaming to the wall.  Nothing bounce back  When the scream is silent  I cant flip the switch  I CANT  I cant just smile and forget it.  It's like trying to hold water with a leaking cup  Sometime its feels like filling the already full cup.  You can't retain anything else  I feel like I'm losing myself  Going through the day.  I'm barely holding on  Trying to grasp it.  Nothing works.  It's the human nature trying to fix things  Trying to find the broken gear  Trying to see the faults  Trying to find the root cause.  I could spilt my head open and find nothing  I can still feel brok

The Calm Before the Storm.

It's the calm before the storm. It is there and i know it. The calm that i am feeling right this moment is a false sense of reality. False sense of comfort. There is no dread. No anxiety. Absolute calm. Hiding the ugly storm, that would come and rage all emotion, all composure. Leaving me nothing but a empty husk. Leaving me with an empty hollow, a shell of a human. Masking the hole inside of me that once again forced open. Its the calm before storm. Waiting to rear its ugly head. how much i know about it, would not have prepared me of what about to come.

WHAT IS LOVE?

love.... What is love? i off all people wouldn't know anyting about it. honestly, many time in my life where i would encounter people that i find attractive, somewhat attractive and the whole process of cant wait to meet them or find it hard to focused when they arent around and how your heart fluttres when you talk with them or the butterfly in your stomache when you unintentionally and playfully 'flirting' with them and get a positve reaction you know you've have crossed the dangerous teritory when you get tinge of disappointment or burning  like anger when other person is close with them its almost like you are getting jelous and feeling teritorial.  When i was 13 i laid eyes once on my new classmate whom i never seen before in my life. at the time i almost never talk to boys ever in my life. well except for my neigbor who the same age as me, we were close when we were like 5 year old. he would come to play with me and my sister.  but we stopped talking when we enter