Munirah Meerasa

I have told myself.  Many times, Repeating like a mantra, Stop thinking about it, Stop feeling it, Don't be like this. Don't give in. Don't show.  Don't.... I have forced myself,  To wake up, To get up, To keep walking, To keep smiling, To close my eyes at night and rest, I need to rest I deserved it.  I have told myself NO  Turn myself against it many times.  but  Like screaming to the wall.  Nothing bounce back  When the scream is silent  I cant flip the switch  I CANT  I cant just smile and forget it.  It's like trying to hold water with a leaking cup  Sometime its feels like filling the already full cup.  You can't retain anything else  I feel like I'm losing myself  Going through the day.  I'm barely holding on  Trying to grasp it.  Nothing works.  It's the human nature trying to fix things  Trying to find the broken gear  Trying to see the faults  Trying to find ...

When sleep is no longer an escape, being busy is no longer distracting, when food taste bland, and the vibrant color fading to grey, The voices starts getting louder, when fake smile feels foreign, blood pumping harder, your vision is tunneling your dark wall is starting to caving in, the nightmare became constant reminder of your strain posture. brain not responding as quickly as yesterday, when the realization hit its happening.. you are slipping... again. 

This may seem like a joke or some obsessed fan. But the news hit me like a truck. When i can't reach my feeling he just grab it and tear it down. 18 December 2017 6.30 pm. R. I. P Jonghyun. One with such spirit,  energy, voice of angel. The list could go on. One hour after his death i received the news and i keep looking at the date. Feels betrayed and almost like a joke. But no. Oh how i wish it was a joke. Still i hope that it isn't true. But it already happened no one can turn back the time. Nothing can be done. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that he go with so much pain. He was in pain all this time. So much pain that he sees no way out and decided to end it. End his own life. Suicide is never ending someone pain. You died leaving the pain behind to the world to feel it. The thing with depression is that people who dont have it. They don't get it. I could roughly understand the pain he going through. Ive been there. And it is fucking scary. Scary that...