It is Final.

 Bismillah, 

I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to talk about this, or even write about this. So if this ended up on my blog I would take it as my way to express my feeling because god knows that I am notorious for being bad at expressing my feelings. I either don't know how to articulate my feelings or oversharing. 

I have to take everything that happens must have happened with a reason.

Life is nothing but a constant changing. But since I was little growing up we don't talk about our feelings. Everything was swept up under the rug. We never discuss or talk about how we were feeling and talk about why that feeling is there. 

All my childhood ever since I can remember I was my mother's confidante. I was young and didn't know what to make of it or how to react. So I sat there listening to my mother talk about my father, my half siblings, my father's family side, my mother's family side. Her frustration, her anger, her disappointment everything that she wants to vent. 

Looking back it's probably not a good idea to vent about adult problems to a child but I ,like any kid my age desperate for my parents approval, sit there and listen to every word. to be fair she dont have other adult with her to vent to. there is It's almost amusing when now as an adult my friend says that I am a good listener.  Well love i dont have much choice growing up. I'm used to being her listener so much that I don't have to ask her what's wrong or anything bothering her. because she would just spill it out to me. 

I was very shy growing up, almost matured for my age. most of their time i just listen and observe more than be in action. but at home I would consider myself to be active and loud. Mostly I would rather play with my younger siblings or baby sit them or just occupy myself with my own project. 

I don't really 'talk' with my parents except for when she was venting to me. and my father? well he worked in another state for most of my childhood. As far as I can remember, it was only until I was turning 13 that he actually moved in with us. Before that, the only time I ever saw him was once a month when he came home and slept because he was so tired. He would literally sleep the whole day and would call us to message his legs. other than that. when he is home we would lower our voice to not wake him up. because if he does wake up then all hell breaks loose.

Now at the age of 29 (internally cringe) who would have thought that my parents, being married together for 30years. would have ended their marriage. 

The 'talakh' dropped on thursday last week. I don't know exactly how I was feeling. My father has not said anything to us, my mom saying she is looking for a rented room to move in. 

For me to go and ask her how her plan was is going to be an emotionally taxing situation for me. And to be honest I am not ready to face that reality yet. So when my youngest sister asked me to help my mom I think I gave her a negative reply to that. I could have responded better than that. 

I know sooner or later I have to talk about this and face the reality of it. I have a lot on my mind, what her budget was, where she would move to, how she is going to manage now that she dont own a car anymore, and what her living situation would be. Is she moving out?! Fuck this is it? Is that all there is? 

I know that if she is moving out I would have helped her move her stuff out. She still has 3 months to prepare. But renting a room in penang is not cheap. and you rarely get a room with yourself. sooner or later I would have to face it. And i know that it's something i need to built my curouge on and probably would never be ready. like everything else in my life i just grit my teeth puff my cheeks and just wade through it. 

If you were to ask me how I was feeling I dont have the straight answer. It is not easy to be in the middle of your own parents, the people you know your whole life, your safety net, your 'home' now is no longer together and one of them is going away. 

Am I angry? yeah. but I am more disappointed than I am angry. 

I know, things could never go back to 'normal' things have changed. they had changed. We the children pick up the pieces and move forward. 

Its already tormenting now at home when everyone is doing their own thing. i barely talk to my mom anymore. not even saying hi. the only interaction we have is when i salam her before i go to work, that it.

It's frustrating but there is nothing i can do about it. So i recline back to my own shell and mind my own business. but again how can i think only of myself. i'm the eldest sister. argument after argument dissatisfaction between us i can't turn a blind eye. i can't just turn the other cheeks. 

I hate it when they are lashing out, screaming at each other. grumbling about who spends money on what, who helps more in the house. Making decisions in the heat of anger, out of spite. Yes, they are all adults. I can't just scream and intimidate them just because I'm their 'Along'. 

It's tiring for me too. I can only advise and comment whenever I feel it's right for me to do so. funny how life turns out. now that I have a very non-stressful work environment with almost nothing to do. I am now stressing about my home situation. 

I guess I'm in my third stage of grieving. it's maybe due to circumstances or age or maturity level, but this time unlike many situations before. It is hard for me to make peace with it. There is so much I haven't written. but it is beyond me. I can't fully process things and still haven't grasped the reality. still sweeping it under the rug.