Munirah Meerasa

When sleep is no longer an escape, being busy is no longer distracting, when food taste bland, and the vibrant color fading to grey, The voices starts getting louder, when fake smile feels foreign, blood pumping harder, your vision is tunneling your dark wall is starting to caving in, the nightmare became constant reminder of your strain posture. brain not responding as quickly as yesterday, when the realization hit its happening.. you are slipping... again. 

I look at the girl standing in the mirror I never did stopped and look at her ever I looked everywhere, her lips, chin, cheek, hair, shoulder, but refuse to meet her eyes I don't know how i would felt if i do, because i never try. She brushed her waist length hair Struggling to breathe To stay calm to look calm Her breath stuck and her finger trembling It won't stop, her living nightmare I stare at her boney wrist Wandering what's the tragedy What the triggers What drive her to this place She bite her lips Catching her breath Her eyes darted to the scissors on the corner I pity the discarded hairs on the floor They again became the victims Of her war against herself She breathe again Nothing changed But is her ways of saying "I had control on the situation,  not everything, at least this, i can i can control. " If you get the gist, it was me. In one of the moment of my mental breakdown where i lost sense of control and life in general i cut ...

Trying so hard to feel better. To apear strong. To be strong. Telling myself its okay. Today will go away.Tomorrow is a new day. You can't fix it, it ain't broken. But all i ever did was living in denial about the fact that i am falling apart, and died a little inside every single day. Why? Everything i ever did turns to be SO complicated even the simplest thing turn back at me. People try to used me. Try to stepped on me. Life never been such a struggle. Its get harder every single day. Every single day. My anxious keep getting worse. To the point i can't breathe gasping for air. What the hell is happening to me. I feel like being push down stuffed with a pillow while on the outside i can breathe just fine. I put my mask on Smile.  Laugh.  Eat. Sleep. But repeating that cycle is dreading to me. Im crying for help. But i know. There is no one can help me if i just keep it to myself. But i can't spit it out either. I keep fighting this feeling. Push it down my throat. ...