Left unsaid

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I have told myself. 
Many times,
Repeating like a mantra,

Stop thinking about it,
Stop feeling it,
Don't be like this.
Don't give in.
Don't show. 
Don't....

I have forced myself, 
To wake up,
To get up,
To keep walking,
To keep smiling,
To close my eyes at night and rest,

I need to rest I deserved it. 
I have told myself NO 
Turn myself against it many times. 
but 

Like screaming to the wall. 
Nothing bounce back 

When the scream is silent 
I cant flip the switch 
I CANT 

I cant just smile and forget it. 
It's like trying to hold water with a leaking cup 
Sometime its feels like filling the already full cup. 
You can't retain anything else 
I feel like I'm losing myself 
Going through the day. 

I'm barely holding on 
Trying to grasp it. 
Nothing works. 
It's the human nature trying to fix things 

Trying to find the broken gear 
Trying to see the faults 
Trying to find the root cause. 

I could spilt my head open and find nothing 
I can still feel broken even though everything is going fine 
Everything is working. 
Everything is within my control 

So why am i feeling like im losing control 
WHY? 
Why its so fucking loud at night.

A person can do so much 

I can fake a smile. 

I can fake the confidence 

I can show up 
I can hear and speak 
I can fake it 

But for how long, 
How long will it last? 

There is no faking my dark circles that darken day by day due to lack of sleep.

There is no faking when I cant eat even though I am starving. 

There is no faking lack of focus to the thing right in front of me 

There is no faking my aching body trying to leave the bed to start the day 

There is no faking my body showing me losing weight

There is no faking my lack of enthusiasm to do anything 

There is no faking my train of thought 

There is no faking the scary amount of chunks of hair that falls more than usual 

There is no faking when I can't fall asleep. 

There is no faking the nightmare that woke me up at night. 

There is no faking that my brain is going through the nonstop battle of fight or flight. 

There is no faking when my body ached for no reason. 

There is no faking the TORTURE of staring at the ceiling at night trying to fall asleep 

There is no faking it when the colors start to fade to grey 

There is no faking the dissociates   

The gaps in your brain 

There is no faking when people have to repeat everything when talking to me because 
I cant fucking focus. 

There is no faking that I'm slowly losing myself. 

There is no faking when I'm slowly losing my mind 

This feel like HELL 

What should I do.... 

How do I get out of this endless cycle of internal torture 

There is no breaking point even if I searched high and low. 

There is no trigger,
There is not a point where I can just stop and back away,

There is nothing I can do to elevate the symptoms, 

There is nothing that I can just materialize and point and say, this is the reason why,

This the main reason of everything that is going south in my life,

This is why I am this way but no,

Its just my brain Its the lack of dopamine in my brain its the chemical in the noggin, 

Something that I can't just sleep off to forget it's existence.

Its hard to be okay of not being okay when you pushing against the unmoving. 

It's like going against the currents.

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