WHAT IS LOVE?

love....

What is love?

i off all people wouldn't know anyting about it.

honestly, many time in my life where i would encounter people that i find attractive, somewhat attractive and the whole process of cant wait to meet them or find it hard to focused when they arent around and how your heart fluttres when you talk with them or the butterfly in your stomache when you unintentionally and playfully 'flirting' with them and get a positve reaction you know you've have crossed the dangerous teritory when you get tinge of disappointment or burning 

like anger when other person is close with them its almost like you are getting jelous and feeling teritorial. 

When i was 13 i laid eyes once on my new classmate whom i never seen before in my life. at the time i almost never talk to boys ever in my life. well except for my neigbor who the same age as me, we were close when we were like 5 year old. he would come to play with me and my sister. 

but we stopped talking when we enter highschool. other than that i never even talk to boys. so this boy. i learn his name on the first week and i dont know what curse me but i could not take my mind of him. there is something intriuging about him. but no matter how much attracted i am to him i cant bring myself to look directly at his face even saying his name is too embarasing to me. 

i...i dont know how or why or what but i start to like him. turn out i'm not the only one who do.

he is good looking i'm not going to lie. and he is good at sports too. anyway. our sitting position in class allow me to sneakily steal a look at him when he isnt noticing or paying attenetion. but luck just not by my side when the teacher decided to change our seaating arrangement and he endup sititng right behind him. can you immagine. 

it was so fucking awkward the whole day i wouldn't even look to the side afraid he would noticed me or look at my face. and i would dread everytime i had to turn around to get thing from my bagpack. i would not lift my head at his direction. that how i would be for the rest of the year. we remain classmate for the next three years until i moved out from that school. many thing happen between us that make my hearts beat like drum. i could not even hear my brain thinking because of the loudness on my heard bangging in my chest. it was the best feeling for an early teens, second year we were placed further apart. thank god now i was able to enjoy myself more and not being so awkward around him, because he now sitting at the first row and me at the back row. still i had a clear view of him. this either could be cute or creepy 

but i would just admiring him during class and not paying enough attention to the class. despite that my grade is straight As, but there is something changing. something start to change, while i was admiring him i also became more close with my friend and had a group of friend that would be togehter all the time we would joke together and laugh at our own joke and be in our own world and i start to be less and less quiet and more ....loud you would say. i start to show confidence interacting with other. i start to noticed it when we were in the middle of a teaching and my friend who is sittng on my right decided to rest her head on my shoulder and when i look up to the board i felt my senses is tingling like its warning me that i wasnt on my own, like i have been exposed. like someone is watching me. 

although alert i casually turn around to the direction of where i sense the feeling is coming from. and like i just caught him for doing something wrong his head snapped downwards toward his book. i was shocked. wait. was i immagining things? did i just saw that? did i just catch him look at me? fuck now my face is getting hot fast. again my heart is beating faster and faster. i start to feel awkward and fitgetty. my sister always said that i am easy to read. my expression shows everything.

that must be just a fluke. no that is not happening. it just me immagining things. yeah must be. 

But me telling myself that just for self comforting is going nowhere when i start to feel i been watched almost all the time i in class. i feel like he could bore a hole right through my face with the intensity of his stare. now this make me feel trapped. i can't steal a glance at him anymore without him noticing. is he...policing me? did he notice that i was staring at him this whole time? 

what is going on? why this is happening?

things get more awkward and awkward but i never tell a soul about what the hell is going on. when ever i would look at his direction intentionaly or not i would find him already looking at me. and i would turn away in embarastment. this almost amuse him to the point where i would catch him looking at me or rather staring at me and would keep staring and not look away. i almost forgot to breath. this is how much i fell for him at the moment. 

i would found his gang were at the furthest end of the area from the shool convience store where i would be on duty and caught few of the is looking at me. now that is dirty. you played dirty boy. i wouldn't not notice how long he would be there because thing get busy at the store but i would notice during closing time where there is no one alse hanging arount the shop. fuck. this overwhelem me to the max. i don't feel comfortable anymore. 

but this time we are in a bigger space for classroom. for some reason the classroom is being tranfered or reposition to the back building. 

this time he is sitting in the second row and just my luck i was sitting at the back row. opposite from him trying my best not to have any interaction with him. 

the lest we interact or came close with each other the more i can breathe. 

but he has another idea, he would look at my direction not only during class but during the gap when the teachers is not around. like i was doing something wrong or like i owe him some money or something like that. my friend group by this point also notice him staring at me. and whooo boy they confront me about it and making me admit my feeling for him. but turns out to be a blessing because now i can pay attntion the class while my friend would steal glance at him findigng out if he really is looking at me and not just at my direction. 

things start to get messy when he start to date another classmate. he would still stare at me with stare that could kills and went on dates after school with his gilrfriend. i was sad ofcouse. its like a hole in your chest and it get dark and bigger and deeper everytime you sees them together. and when i catch hes looking at me 

sometime i our of character woud stare back and almost glare at him. and his eyes would change and turn away. but the the same thing would happen again few moments later. 

i stop looking at his face. it would cause me pain in my chest when i look at him and realized that he had someone else. the years goes by and one day i by chance forgot my text book and moved my seat to the furthest corners to the end of the class to sharea books with a girl that is not from my group of friends she was sitting on my right and i was paying attention and reading along the pages when i notices she is looking up the the front. 

she would look back at the book to the front and i could see from my peripheral view without lifting my head that she is looking somewhere else and not at the board.

my heart skipped a beat but still i act like it was nothing. she keep doing this for sometimes and then she nudges me. i look at her asking what? 

what came out of her lips make my heart sank to my butt. "____is looking this way." though my whole body is shaking with how loud my heart is bumping in my chest i mutter at her 

" huh?" 

"he is looking this way." 

"so? just ignore him" 

"why would he is looking this way? look at his direction." she instruct me. but i stay silent 

and trying to stare at the text book forcing myself to pay attention to the lesson. 

"wait...he is not looking at this direction..." she now stare at my burning face. 

"he is looking at you." the alarm bells in my head is going off like crazy. alarm bells or death bell. any of those two. but she is not satisfied with me being silent she stare at me with questioning look that if i know i was being wathed my him. i just nod at her and plead her to just ignore him. because i want to just forget his esistence. she nods understand and never ask me about this again. great now another person know about this. little did i know at the time the whole class noticed at this some just choose to not give a damn.

i still remebers when there is a school project and we need to choose between three topic and came out with a scrapbook about what we undersand from the topic. 

this time i dont remember how but out of curiousity my friend ask me which topic i choose. when she look at my notes she mention that he also picked that topic. 

saying like how we both has the same interest and 'are meant to be' i scoft at her and sarcasticly ask her. 

"really? you sure?" and being a loudmouth that she is. she immediately ask out loud to him what topic did he choose. i can almost hear him smiling through his answer. my friend as if she was thick as stone the second he answers her she just look at me and tells me what his answer was. my god it was awkward. it as if she want to blow my cover. 

i dont even react to her and act like i was deaf. from the corners of my eye i can see not only him but his whole friend was watching. just kill me now please. 

when i am sure he is no longger stare at me i shoot at my fried that he was looking when the whole thing is happening. she is so shocked and say sorry. but the damaged is done. few months later i heard that he broke up with his girlfriend. it make me feel this feeling of strange sadness? disapointment? i dont know. 

until now i dont know but i was sad almost that he couldnt keep his relationship that long. telling myself that i wouldnt be in a relationship that i wasn't sure from the begining. look where that got me now. single until i am 27 years old anyway. 

as if he got his answer that i had crush on him he wouldn't care if his ex were in the room or anyone in the room or who would notice he would just turn his body at my direction and would smirk when i noticed. i was lost in my own tought and being brought back to the land of the living and as if i was possessed i turn towards his seat only to found him was facing me and crossing his legs and looking at me. 

i could feel my eyes enlarged and immedietly get so hot when he start to laugh at me. fuck fuck fuck fuck my life. just kill me. i want to disappear right now. grab a hole or something i want to disappear right now. 

One day i got detention for not completing my homework and few of us were ask to stand at the back of the class. i of course shuffle to the back not to gain any unnesacsary attention to myself and sitting on the spare chairs that was placed at the back of the class. 

my friend pull me off the chairs stating that it was not fair for me to sit while she had to stand. i laugh and trying to tease her but stop when i noticed he was staring at me. i had two or more people between us and still he cought me in between. i swear to god. i was stoned almost immediately. 

the years flows by and now we reach our third year. crucial time when another big exam is coming. PMR. we are now at the newest building. you can still smell the paint of the doors and windows. and because of we are at the top floor there are crows that would fly into the window during classes. the teacher are always doing someting in class to grab our attention to the lesson and would always do changes to the classroom to make us not feel bored. like for example reasign our seating arrangement. AGAIN.

when the year started i managed to seat further from him but still managed to keep my eye on him to avoid he looking at me doing stupid and awkward stuff. 

but our teacher had another things in plan. he make a seating chart. a seating chart. my god. and the next time we came to school behold my table was behind him. 

well this bring back memories. and very a TRIGGERING one not gonna lie...

but also like a clockwork his ex was sitting infront on him. yeah. fuck my life. but this also turn to be a 

blessing in disguise when i dont have to worry about him staring at me again because i was right behind him. who laughing now. but thing starting be became like a romantic comedy real fast. his favorite thing to do is turn around and steal my pen. well he does that so openly knowing that i 

would not ask him back my pen or say no. 

this is just great. but he did return my things back when he done using them. another things he like to do is to take my pencil case and rest his head on top of them. my bestfriend who is sitting next to me find this very funny. especially when she sees how awkward i get because of his action.i can see his smiling in victory when he is making me flustered. i hate this. 

one day i cought some sniffles. i was sneezing in class and one sneeze to loud and shocked the class. i couldnt even lift my head from embarasment. 

he make some comment about the breeze and i immediately turn on defense mode. his seat partner make joke of how he should check his hair for some boogers. that it. 

i kick his chair from under the table when he join in the joke and rubbing his head. 

"that what you get for putting your head on my table. stop sleeping during class."

he laugh so loud but pull back my pencil case that i had pull to the side after i kicked his chair and rest his head back on top of it. the next day. i was absent for two days because of high fever and when i am back at the school my seat partner keep saying how he not once bring his chair back close to my table. but now that i am back he bring his chairs close to my table and rest his head on top of my pencil case, i get more and more comfortable with him to the point i would tap his head with my pencil saying that i need to grab someting from my pencil case and once i am done it goes back to became his head rest. no words needed. fast foward to our night class. so we would have extra class to prepare for exam during weekend and night time. one time we got like 10 min break and me and my friends sneak of to the other building to go to the toilets and have a chat about her boyfriend in private. almost like in a movie scene. i saw him standing on the corridors and looking out. not sure if he notice it was me there but we were far enought that i just dont care anymore i can only make out his silhoute but still i just stare 

at him feeling my feeling in the moment. but then when we almost about to went home that day i saw him with a girl from next class. on cue my friend told me that she heard rumors that she is his new girlfriend. i never leave the classe to fast in my life before. i just want to go home. i was already down the stairs when i heard my friend calling out for me to wait for her, i turn around so fast that shocked both of us, he was right behind me and was looking at me almost like following me. i dont know why but i was pissed, and just want to get out of there the inside feel almost burning hot and uncomfortable. i ignored my friend and stormed down the stairs passed other students. when i was out of the gate i can still see him tailing behind me. i know he caught me looking when he was with that girl. but that wasnt my business, its not my business with whom he is dating. right. but he now is acting like he get cought cheating and chasing his angry girlfriend. I was waiting for my mother to pick me up. but today is the day where she would be late and i stood there under the street light few meters away where he is standing with his friends. dont he have his own transport? why didnt he leave yet. 

erhgt this is infuriating to me max. by the time my mother arrived and i disappear in the car she got stuck in the traffic i can still see him looking at me every few seconds. i without fails would give him death glare everytime our eye locked. 

yes i am mad. 

few days passed and dont have my pencil case on my table anymore. he with his usual habit nonchalantly trying to rest his head and when he dont find my pencil case he feels around my table and turn around to see the absent of my pencil case and i dont even look at him. slowly he pulls his chairs back towards his table and lean fowards

slighly satisfied i continue with my work. yeah i'm not your side chick when you dint have your girlfriend with you. what ever that meant in this contacts. even my friends noticed this and ask me about it. i just ignored ansering and just said that yeah i am avoinding him because i am pissed at him. that silenced them.

i continue with my cold treatement towards him for the next following weeks. when my attention isnt at him i able to get my grade back up. i was on the roll. by the time 1st semester exam rolls around i got good grades. something i should mention that when we rearange the seating position for exam his seated almost parallel to my 

table. but i am not letting him get his way around i would put my arms up blocking my face and as i usually do i always finished early and he almost never finished early but things would be the opposite during math. oh god how he is annoyingly good at math. one subject that i hated the most. 

i remember one time during our weekend class that the teacher offer for anyone that are interested to join on saturday morning. i shows up in red dress. and shockingly it almost like a joke now. but i am not kidding when he is also wearing red shirt. because of there is few people shows up. we dont seat in our own place. i dont remember if i was sitting in the front of he was sitting in the front but i was so embarrassed when i could hear his friends make comment about our matching outfit,

i forgot to mention that during me showing my anger towarrds him when ever i cought him looking he has this expresion of....sadness almost. i dont know he just dont look like himself, no mishevious smile or victorious smile and teasing smirking. he look like he in deep tought almost. but that day shit hit different. 

his friend make jokes during clasess and broke the class i turn around to see who was it and i saw his face, he lifted his head barely smiling and i saw his eyes. i still remembers to this day especially writing this. all emotions i felt back then is puring back to me. what i saw in his eyes that moment. i could never get out of my brain it would forever haunt me it was only a quick seconds but his eyes change when he look up and saw me. we stare directly into each other eyes and i kid you not i saw sparks in his eyes, i was so cought off guard that i turn back facing the front. one time i saw somewhere written that when a girl fall in love you can see in her smile and my smile was the brightest at that time in my life. and when a guy falls in love you can see in his eyes. that words and the look in his eyes still haunt me to this day.

twelve years later. i never told a soul about this, i honestly dont know what to do at that moment. but right after that his behaviour around me changes. 

he stopped looking at me anymore. stop staring at me. this also suprised me. to the point of me checking up on him to see if he is looking at me. but no. 

this is what i wanted, i was very obvious about it to. i just dont like it what he was dating with other girl but feeling like he can tease me who is clearly had feeling for him. but now i am sad. and that pain that hole in my chest is there.

fast foward to PMR workshop, all of our years were grouped accoding to our mock exam to have an extensive studies to either secure ther score A or upgrade from B to A or just not failing the particular subject. most of the time during class all the student are in different clasess including us. there are few clasess where we would be in the same class and some subject we would be saperate. and when we were in the same class. i would saviour the moment and looking at him no longer admiring him more like making sure he is there and feel his presense. but i can't do that during geography and math. because shockingly i was in A class for geography side note, i was the only student in my clases aside from student from the first class. like i am out of their league. i wasn't belong in there. i almost like there was some mistake but no matter how many time i check, i was in that group. i am a nerd but i am not that nerd. but during math he was in B group and i stuck at the C class. Other than

that bless my soul we were in the same class. but one class in particular which is KH there is less people there but the teacher are putting all of the group in the B class.

which mean there are smaller group in there, she did mention that she is being shelfish stating that she could just put me on the A class but she want to be the one that teaches us during this last minute crash course. there only about 10 students the big room feel so crowded with him being so close to me. around this time i can almost sense him being comfortable with himself without the exes in the room. we can just study. 

Right before the exam week we are cleaning the clasrooms that we would later use for or exam halls, the table are spaced accordingly and all thing are in order. we were instructed to gather up in the school halls before goes back home. after everyone goes down to the hall i remembered something that i left and running back to the class and when i arrived at the halls him and i end up the last people arriving looking like we stayed back together back at the empty classroom. this somehow excite my group of friends and gained attention from his ex who decide to make me her enemy. like she would look at me and whispering to her friend while making sure i noticed, like i care enough. but she went to a suprisingly good lengh to 

make sure i know that she hate my guts. During our exam we don't know where we would end up sitting during each subject. we were given numbers and have to find our table.

During this subject however bless my soul because of my name start with M i was always end up sitting behind boys and this time guess what. i know you can guess what would happen now. 

his table was on my right. like on my right hand. right next to me. 

i am used to him being around me like sitting behind me or infront of me. 

but side by side feels so close. to close for comfort. despite that i managed to get through the exam and finished with half the time given. i sat back on my chair glancing ever so slightly towards my right at him but i cant make move that would alert him. and i was sitting by the door. i felt exposed yet so trapped. the teacher came by to me and ask if i am finished. he is suprised that i am already finished within half an hour even thought we were given 1 hour and a half to answer the question. he ask to see my papers i hand it over to him. he flip around and seem satisfied when he handed me back my papers asking if i want to leave early. but i said no. and he agrees saying that i should stay. the event before the exam started plays in my mind like a recoder. i was lost at finding my seat, i know 

that my seat was at the second to last at the end of the class but i walk towards the end of the opposite from my seat. by the time i realized i was wrong half of the class already seated and i sat down and he walk confidently from the front and put his things beside me. giving me no time to respond to the fact that we are seating side by side. there that mischevious smile that plastered accross his proud face. victorious almost. to what i don't know. i would never know. this are the

moment where i would cherish forever knowing that i had went through that moment in life feeling what i feels. 

Fast fowards again to the next year is when things changes drasticly. we are still in the same class. but this is where we part ways. my application to the boarding schools is accepted and i decide to follow that path of changing my surrounding to a better place to batter my grades and in turns better my SPM and my future. But this means i would never meet him again. if this is what you would call love i would say that i left my love to chase my future. Turns out he also applied for the 

same school but get enrolled to the state school while i got the school that two hours away, in another state. 

It's like the universe is giving me the last hurrah for me to enjoy our last time at the school being a classmate. looking back i wish i savours the time and make the most out of it but i can never turn back time. 

We happen to be arranging our withdrawal to the school together at the same time. i still remembers somehow we are the only one left at the text book rooms returning our text book back in the rack and i was trying to walk away cooly but endup got cought with the pile of books on the floor and almost falls, i managed to pull myself together but it was too late he saw me. so i did the only reasonable thing to do. escape. but not so fast tough because he is faster, he ask for the location for the books that is in his hand. i was still embarased point at the direction i came and mutter something and left in a hurry. 

now that i typed that out. did he trying to strike a conversation with me or something? like i said. i would never know. 

i already at my new school already adapting to the new culture of the school when i need to return back to the school to get my merit certicifation. i went to meet the teachers and get my merit book signed and after all that is done i waited for my friends. and they are sadly arent in the same group after i left. They all just kind of go on they saperate ways. but they are there with me that day. and to my suprised he decided to change back to the school, he couldn't adapt to the new school and move back in. sadly he can not get his old class back, our previous class, which is accounting instead he got the art class. also he was no 

longer the school prefect. but i never saw him at the school that day. from my friends stories he end up a loner now. i don't say this often because i hate regreting on things that i can't change. but i wish i meet him that day. just to talk. maybe one day Allah would destined for us to meet again, as friends again.

I can only prays for that. But that wasn't the last of him oh how i wish that was it. 

The one thing that i never want to let go. the one thing that I was so scared to loose was the feeling i felt for him the emotion i have those years. i was so scared that one day i would lost this feeling and stop liking him anymore. maybe i dont like him but liking the feeling of liking someone if that make any sense in any shape or form. i remembers that i would get back home on thursdays and would go to the night market only to see if i can catches the glimpse of him. and many time i would get to see him i would go home satisfied. and not to mention that one time i saw two boys riding bike by my house they must have turning so hard that they plummet to the ground i happen to be in the kitchen that overlook the road when i walk over to the window i immediately recognize that back that back of the head. i have seen it so many times that just one look and i know its him. he turn around pulling his bike off the ground and i was right. but the rain start to pouring and he pushing his bike and start to running before jump on it and start his bike off and rode away. maybe i am still arent able to move on but seeing him that time enough to make me feel content. that was the time when the world is my oyester. i later spend years in collage far from home make new friend and have new crushes who later became close friend with and i am more comfortable with myself and guess what. i talk to boys now. hahahha who would have guess. i went out on dates and that didnt work out but it was fine. i had that time of my life but i was immedietly brought back to old memories when i was just few days of leaving collage and preparing to be back home i keep having dreams. dream about him. 

it would come and go but it soon get worse and worse i would have dream about our time spend together and more. The dream so vivid, so clear that i woke up with tear in my eyes. 

The sun was about to set, i was in a field alone the grass was tall, tall enough to cover my view but not thick that i can't walk through.

I walking foward is if i know where i was going and that when i saw it. a figure standing on the edge of the field in all white back facing me as if waiting for me. 

i walk closer but before i could reach i was awake, with tears in my eyes running down my cheeck. i know who that is. that is him. after all this years? 

During one of my trip back home i acompany my mother to her court hearing and on the way back we stopped to have lunch at this food stall. the cars is pulling on the side of the road when i catch the glipmse of him standing behind the counter serving the customer. my heart was in my throat when i saw him that moment when i realized that those feeling is still there. i havent lost it. everytime i sees him. my heart still beats the same rythym the same blood rushing in my vein the same tingling sensation that i felt throughtout my whole body. yeah after four years i still that 13 yrd old that meet her first crush.

I rememeber when we already seated with our food and he walk passed me, i was so shoked and my face would have shown it because my mothers friend ask me if everything is okay not only that she noticed about him. "you know him?" i almost spat out my drinks. i gulp hard and saying that he was my classmate. 

"you say hello to him." 

"no its fine, we never that close anyway." she look at me and i know she sense something but i zipped down my lips and eat although my appetite

already long gone. That moment when i curse so much that his presense leave this much impact on my. few years later i would go back and found him still there.

i dont know if that is comforting or .... Nah

But now after 12 years later, i have grow to a person i am today. jaded but learns alot. i have like many men along the way. especially unavailable guy like someone who is in relationship of someone who have two wives and someone from a big brother role to me crushing so hard at him that i had dream about him. This man make me write about my feelings again. i never told you his name. the person that lived in my heart and brain for many years i never want to say his name because even at the mention of his name it get my blood rushing like crazy. but i will put it here. because i am a different person now. i am not a teenager anymore, a full grown adult.

The name of the man that i had crush so hard in my life ever the one i never told him my feeling, is Mohammad Fazlie Ahmad. wow i don't think i could remember his full name like that. i just remember him. the feeling. but just now as i typing down his name it just rolls down my lips. but that not what we call him during out time as classmate. his nickname is Ayie. 

I was on my work the other day when sudently his thought come to mind. i was so afraid that i would stop feeling what i feel for him. the feeling would go away. 

that used to be my biggest fear the next was him knowing that i like him this much. but now i no lonnger feel the same about him. the feelind had died along the years of me meeting new people. travel accross the country and doing what i do now. i was a totally different person. and looking back i don't recognised that girl anymore. but sitting here now telling back this story. i still feel all the emotions pouring inside me. my heart almost explode. the same fimiliar feeling of blood rushing 

thorught my vein is still the same. God am i not able to forget him, ever? it that what you called love. was he my first love? my the one that got away?

I would never know. and frankly i never regreted not telling him how i felt. maybe one day under any circumstacnes we able to meet again in different occasion, we'll able to became friends and having conversation. maybe i would tell him 

"want to hear something funny? i used have crush on you so hard that few years later i still remember you. yeah teens huh." i can't push away the tought that if i didn't fall for him so hard the way i did. maybe we would be close friends maybe we would still be friend until now. maybe.

Today is 6 December 2020 it's been awhile since i went on a rant about love. (21 November 2020) last night i had a bizzaro dream about the person i had written above, yeah. the most bizzare is i can't keep him out of my head. the dream is even more bizzare. bassically we went on a trip and end up in an island we talk a bit and somehow i had an inkling that he just got out of his relationship/engagement and i just had to go and look for his phone number that i had written in my note book a while ago, i doubt that he still use that number. But I've lost that note book, but i had to try something. there must be something that i can get from the internet. i mean you can get everything from the internet. its 2020.

and behold. i don't fucking belived this. it cant be real like don't tell me i never tried. i fucking tried, not once not twice. many time i had tried before over the years. but futile. but today as if the universe is handing it over to me. i only had to type the first four letter of is name. just that and his profile is suggested to me with remarks that we have 7 mutual friends.....

Like story of my fucking life. I'm so done. that it. what more supprising is that his profile picture is him with a girl and the girl is holding a flower covering their face with them staring at each other. 

........................................

they just got engaged less than a week before i write the post.he had crossed my mind a week before i sat down and rant about love. like are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! i was wondering at what he is doing? where he is working, is he married yet?and low behold i got my answer.

I don't belived this. you can't tell me that this is real life. too much coincidence too much. freaking stupid coincidence.like i am so done with this. 

Well now that i have calm down and cool my head a little.

Thank god that i had an urge to look him up. but why only now i can get a hold if him. that is the most bizzare thing in the world we even had mutual friend and his profile never shows up in my recomendation. like, the fuck. i'll take that as fate. this is how things supposed to be i guess. now i had a closure. also i finally can say that i had stalk my school crush. 'laughing while crying inside.' 

anyways. i don't have any regrets about how thing go in life so far. i have done thing in my part. and that is saying a lot. because Allah, there is so many thing thati had regrets in my life. but i gonna leave it be. 

This probably the last I'm gonna had dreams about him or even reminicing about the old days. and i swear to GOD if i had anymore dreams about him. 

imma need therapy, because man. i clearly got issues. This and among other things.

If you've read this far. I have questions, first

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

But why, I can't imagine someone would take time of their lives to sit down and read the SPM level essay. But thanks, sorry about the grammatical errors. I just can't go back and read all of it to correct the grammar and spelling errors. Its too painful for me to do so. Anyway adios? K bye.