Munirah Meerasa

I want to tell you. Everything. I want you to know. I want to be transparent. But I'm used to hold it in. I don't know how to tell. Sorry that i am such a baggage. I dont want to ruin your day with what going on in my head. Sorry. I am so sorry. Im not pushing you away. I put distance because you are better off without me and my issue. I'm used to hold it in. But i want to talk to someone. But who will listen without judging. Who would understand with no questions. I would rather hang myself that answer those questions. Explain to you thing that i can't explain to myself.

This may seem like a joke or some obsessed fan. But the news hit me like a truck. When i can't reach my feeling he just grab it and tear it down. 18 December 2017 6.30 pm. R. I. P Jonghyun. One with such spirit,  energy, voice of angel. The list could go on. One hour after his death i received the news and i keep looking at the date. Feels betrayed and almost like a joke. But no. Oh how i wish it was a joke. Still i hope that it isn't true. But it already happened no one can turn back the time. Nothing can be done. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that he go with so much pain. He was in pain all this time. So much pain that he sees no way out and decided to end it. End his own life. Suicide is never ending someone pain. You died leaving the pain behind to the world to feel it. The thing with depression is that people who dont have it. They don't get it. I could roughly understand the pain he going through. Ive been there. And it is fucking scary. Scary that...

Random thought bring me back to the 21 yr old me that live off my student loan and parents allowance. There once i was on a tight spot that i had to save money on food that i went through three week eating nothing but instant noodles. Craving for 'real food' so bad that i salivating over the 'pau' sold out in front of my college gate. Spend like 10 min debating with myself. Either to spend RM 4.00 over that and fix my craving or save that money for meal that could last a week, before my dad bank in my allowance. That time RM 10.00 would be so luxurious thing to have around. I would save any coin i ever had and when that time came would use it to buy my emergency pack of instant noodles. That could save me for a week. One meal a day and i could last for 5 days. And that 'pau' i did purchase that thing and until now i feel a little ashamed of how i would look while counting my money taking out a crumpled one ringgit note and pay the uncle. Living on the big city ...

The reason why i keep pushing people that care about me. Away is because of ive always been fighting on my own. In my head. Ever since i can remember. Facing the struggle. Learn so hard to be what people perceive as normal. Never really talk to people about it. No one really care or understand what is going on. Being alone i can be my self the ugly imperfect me. With flaws and scar. And learn to concealed them when facing other people. And i said other people i do include my family, my siblings. I don't associated my feeling or struggle to other. I always been this way. Fight the battles alone. Find my own remedy. Build a shield to protect the fragile me. The unruly and mess up me. And wrap a blank canvas to the world. Playing innocent, shy girl who is insignificant to the world. So that why. Letting people to see that side of me. The fragile me. To open up to people is hard. To even let people know  that i am sad or disappointed. I just can't do it. No. I don't know how. ...

You know what suck? Having anxiety at a random time. With absolute no reason. It hit you so hard that you can't breathe, clutching to your chest gasping for air. and all of the sudden feeling a terrible claustrophobic while not even being in an enclosed space that usually freak me out. And sometimes make me almost passed out due to panic. Right now its feels like something pressing against my chest and i taking out my phone to type this to distract myself from the situation. Its 2.53 am and ive been here putting on the aromatherapy oils to my neck, my head, my nose, hoping that i could 'calm' down. But nope. Its not working. Typing this with heavy breath. 6 hours earlier i almost run my bike to the back of a trailer because i doze off. And now i am awake as i never been before. Damn you messed up head.

Its not like its never happen to me before. Being nervous to death when i had to approach someone to talk to them. I still am. To much depending on someone i know. Because its better and comfortable to talk to them rather than approach someone new. Revealing how i feel is just an excruciatingly painful. I rather put on a mask and tell the half truth. I know. Not all can be perfectly honest in this cruel world. But i felt like im too naive. Be myself in public is too much revelation to other. Damn social anxiety.

Trying so hard to feel better. To apear strong. To be strong. Telling myself its okay. Today will go away.Tomorrow is a new day. You can't fix it, it ain't broken. But all i ever did was living in denial about the fact that i am falling apart, and died a little inside every single day. Why? Everything i ever did turns to be SO complicated even the simplest thing turn back at me. People try to used me. Try to stepped on me. Life never been such a struggle. Its get harder every single day. Every single day. My anxious keep getting worse. To the point i can't breathe gasping for air. What the hell is happening to me. I feel like being push down stuffed with a pillow while on the outside i can breathe just fine. I put my mask on Smile.  Laugh.  Eat. Sleep. But repeating that cycle is dreading to me. Im crying for help. But i know. There is no one can help me if i just keep it to myself. But i can't spit it out either. I keep fighting this feeling. Push it down my throat. ...