14 Aug 2017

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The reason why i keep pushing people that care about me. Away is because of ive always been fighting on my own. In my head. Ever since i can remember. Facing the struggle. Learn so hard to be what people perceive as normal. Never really talk to people about it. No one really care or understand what is going on. Being alone i can be my self the ugly imperfect me. With flaws and scar. And learn to concealed them when facing other people. And i said other people i do include my family, my siblings. I don't associated my feeling or struggle to other. I always been this way. Fight the battles alone. Find my own remedy. Build a shield to protect the fragile me. The unruly and mess up me. And wrap a blank canvas to the world. Playing innocent, shy girl who is insignificant to the world.

So that why. Letting people to see that side of me. The fragile me. To open up to people is hard. To even let people know  that i am sad or disappointed. I just can't do it. No. I don't know how. I've built wall so high so hard so thick that it wont come down. And i have forget how to pull it down. To let my guard down. To open up to people.

Just leave me alone. You don't care about me. You would forget about me eventually. You can't help me. This is me screaming internally.

I dont know how. How to let my guard down. How to open up to people. How to be fragile. how to let people see who i am truly. Ive forget how to interact. How to connect. How to understand other nor myself.

My mom once said that she barely know what is going on in my head. What i want. Or how to read my behavior. I keep it to myself. I can act like a complete different person if i try to hide what i feel. And to let people to read  me. Is a big no. I concealed everything. I dont even let it show on my face.

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