Munirah Meerasa

Its not like its never happen to me before. Being nervous to death when i had to approach someone to talk to them. I still am. To much depending on someone i know. Because its better and comfortable to talk to them rather than approach someone new. Revealing how i feel is just an excruciatingly painful. I rather put on a mask and tell the half truth. I know. Not all can be perfectly honest in this cruel world. But i felt like im too naive. Be myself in public is too much revelation to other. Damn social anxiety.

Trying so hard to feel better. To apear strong. To be strong. Telling myself its okay. Today will go away.Tomorrow is a new day. You can't fix it, it ain't broken. But all i ever did was living in denial about the fact that i am falling apart, and died a little inside every single day. Why? Everything i ever did turns to be SO complicated even the simplest thing turn back at me. People try to used me. Try to stepped on me. Life never been such a struggle. Its get harder every single day. Every single day. My anxious keep getting worse. To the point i can't breathe gasping for air. What the hell is happening to me. I feel like being push down stuffed with a pillow while on the outside i can breathe just fine. I put my mask on Smile.  Laugh.  Eat. Sleep. But repeating that cycle is dreading to me. Im crying for help. But i know. There is no one can help me if i just keep it to myself. But i can't spit it out either. I keep fighting this feeling. Push it down my throat. ...

I think i have to make a confession. Maybe with this all the late night thought that keeping my mind in a complete chaos would slow down. Or at least i dont wake up abruptly at 3.00 am on saturday morning that i had to face another day at work and be in the rush again. But then to be remember that is finally weekend. I think i almost lost my sanity for quite some time.  I don't think i am happy here. I know that im not! True that sometimes the more you earn the less happy you are. I try. I really do. Try to be good, better. But all i did was tumbling around and make such a mess every where i go. I am out of place and dont belong. I cant even force myself to smile at work. Or even talk about it. And that just within three months working there. When i make this decision i keep wonder do i make the right decision. And i still dont think that i make a right one. Was i meant to be here at the first place. What allah has set up for me. I try my best in every way but it won't work....

I am for once not a spender. Do i have a slight addiction to buying a new lipstick every month. But i usually prefer to refrain myself from spend to much cash at one time. And usually felt guilty when i spend too much at one time. Well, yesterday i went out with my friend for iftar and we did went shopping. I told myself. hey,  let get a new pants for work. Been wearing the same pair to deaths. really. But at the store i just feel like why should i refrain myself. Ive been feeling like shit for the past months. I want to feel good somehow. And so. I spend much more than i expect. Though i dont really need things that i purchased. And dont really care about it. I felt good and a little happy being able to spend money for myself. All I've been doing this past 2 month is work,  work and work. This may seem like i am rewarding myself for those hard work i been in to. But this is honestly an impulsive buying disorder kind of a deal. I feel the need to buy and buy. Spend money like ...

Assalamualaikum It's may already. And i am only 21 days from being 24 yr old.  Sigh. Cepatnya masa berlalu. Speaking of which.  Even in my 'almost' mid 20's (cringed) i still A. live with my parents. What's new. B. And i am still getting my parents permission to go out with my friend. No night out. Even that my parents still allow me to go and take trips 2 days one night 10 hours away from home.  But she know where on earth am i.  This may seem like my parents a control freak.  But i guess that is the way the show their affection to us. Their children. Even my friend were like.  "Are you serious. You like what 23 yr old already. A grown up. " All i can say is.  I know. But that just the way it is. I may seem like obedience little girl. But i had a fair share on my rebels age. Where i just want to fucking get the hell out of this freaking house. Like when i am 18. Stay home for to long with no job after i quit my first job.  (That whas te...

Drama happens to you because you allow it to disturb your daily routine and let it into your personal space.  Take a good look at your self.  Love yourself and own it. You deserve better, seriously. Dont be afraid to cut of toxic people who are just going to drag you down to their messed up life. The more you feed into it its just going to come back at you in an endless cycle.  Know which is good and which is bad for you.. Deep down you know.  If its doesn't feel right, leave it. Dont just roll into it and let people trample on you like you have no value. Its not worth the effort. You know when to stop and let it go. Just listen to the little voice inside you. Dont let people decide for you. Learn to stand for yourself. At the end, you may be lost a couple of friend but you'll be happier than before.  Trust me.

Comfort Zone. Satu tempat yang selesa tapi bahaya. Kenapa? Pernah dengar "boiling frog syndrome"? Nah dalam bahasa mudahnya. Amik katak and buh dalam periuk yang ada air sejuk. Dia x kan cuba untuk lari. Cuba bukak api. Air akan mula panas. Katak nie sejenis makhluk yang akan sesuaikan diri dengan keadaan sekeliling dia untuk hidup.  Tapi air yang panas tadi akan menggelegak. Dan katak tadi akan tetap dalam air tuh smpai dia mati aka boiled to death. Sebenarnya katak sebenar dia akan lompat dari air yang panas tuh. Tapi point kat sini. Kenapa comfort zone nie bahaya adalah bila kita selesa dengan apa yang ada sekeliling kita.  Kedudukan kita.  Kerja kita. Apa saja yang kita lakukan. Kita tak kan sedar potensi yang kita ada. Atau pun bahaya yang kita akan hadapi. Potensi. Sebagai contoh lah kan. Cuba tengok orang yang amik upah menjahit. Dia pandai jahit baju kurung.  Sehari 3 helai baju kurung dia boleh siapkan. Pelanggan dia semua puas hati dengan hasil tangan...