Impulse.

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I am for once not a spender. Do i have a slight addiction to buying a new lipstick every month. But i usually prefer to refrain myself from spend to much cash at one time. And usually felt guilty when i spend too much at one time. Well, yesterday i went out with my friend for iftar and we did went shopping. I told myself. hey,  let get a new pants for work. Been wearing the same pair to deaths. really. But at the store i just feel like why should i refrain myself. Ive been feeling like shit for the past months. I want to feel good somehow. And so. I spend much more than i expect. Though i dont really need things that i purchased. And dont really care about it. I felt good and a little happy being able to spend money for myself. All I've been doing this past 2 month is work,  work and work. This may seem like i am rewarding myself for those hard work i been in to. But this is honestly an impulsive buying disorder kind of a deal. I feel the need to buy and buy. Spend money like i dont care a dime as a stress release. For once. I felt a little calm.

I am in control of my action. And things in my life. But things did went off this time around. Don't want to go into detail this time. But i just saying. I feel like i want to just go with what i wants to do. Buy things i dont plans on buying. Go to place i dont ever want to go. And eat so much that i would wish for a bigger stomach.

Yess i am on the verge of depression lately. Can't smile properly. Losing myself. Feeling like my personality is fading and turn into a designated superficial perfect people pleaser. Trying so hard not to get in trouble. Agitated all the time. Jumpiness, calm is way far. Like a dream to good to be true.

I dont even realize that i am changing. Until one of my friend point it out. And i am unconsciously saying what i feel to my big sis. Man. I Am about to lose my shit. Even worse when my friend did point out that she did see difference in me. I am getting distant. And deep down i know it is true. And that is the worse part. That i dont even get a hold of myself anymore.

Right now. The bag full of new clothes were still on the floor next to my dresser. Three new novel that i know i wont have time in the world to read are just stack together along with few novel that were there almost a year unread. And i dont even feel the need to fold my laundry that accumulated way to much that it fits into two big basket at the corner of my room.  Two fans that turn on because it freaking hot tonight. And i dont even care if my work uniform is still in between those unfold laundry, or where is my other pair of socks travel to. Laying with scattered pillow and unmade bed. Can't even finished the sliced chocolate cake that i been craving so much just now. Ignoring my friends text. All i want to do now is just close my eyes and sit in darkness alone and praying the time went slow. Coz god know how time flies now. I need a break. Literally! Could time please go slower. It feels like i just breathe out and its half an hour went by. I never feels time went by so fast in life.

Why oh why do i have the urge to just went somewhere far... Alone.

Did i make the right decision?

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