Munirah Meerasa

Random thought bring me back to the 21 yr old me that live off my student loan and parents allowance. There once i was on a tight spot that i had to save money on food that i went through three week eating nothing but instant noodles. Craving for 'real food' so bad that i salivating over the 'pau' sold out in front of my college gate. Spend like 10 min debating with myself. Either to spend RM 4.00 over that and fix my craving or save that money for meal that could last a week, before my dad bank in my allowance. That time RM 10.00 would be so luxurious thing to have around. I would save any coin i ever had and when that time came would use it to buy my emergency pack of instant noodles. That could save me for a week. One meal a day and i could last for 5 days. And that 'pau' i did purchase that thing and until now i feel a little ashamed of how i would look while counting my money taking out a crumpled one ringgit note and pay the uncle. Living on the big city ...

The reason why i keep pushing people that care about me. Away is because of ive always been fighting on my own. In my head. Ever since i can remember. Facing the struggle. Learn so hard to be what people perceive as normal. Never really talk to people about it. No one really care or understand what is going on. Being alone i can be my self the ugly imperfect me. With flaws and scar. And learn to concealed them when facing other people. And i said other people i do include my family, my siblings. I don't associated my feeling or struggle to other. I always been this way. Fight the battles alone. Find my own remedy. Build a shield to protect the fragile me. The unruly and mess up me. And wrap a blank canvas to the world. Playing innocent, shy girl who is insignificant to the world. So that why. Letting people to see that side of me. The fragile me. To open up to people is hard. To even let people know  that i am sad or disappointed. I just can't do it. No. I don't know how. ...

You know what suck? Having anxiety at a random time. With absolute no reason. It hit you so hard that you can't breathe, clutching to your chest gasping for air. and all of the sudden feeling a terrible claustrophobic while not even being in an enclosed space that usually freak me out. And sometimes make me almost passed out due to panic. Right now its feels like something pressing against my chest and i taking out my phone to type this to distract myself from the situation. Its 2.53 am and ive been here putting on the aromatherapy oils to my neck, my head, my nose, hoping that i could 'calm' down. But nope. Its not working. Typing this with heavy breath. 6 hours earlier i almost run my bike to the back of a trailer because i doze off. And now i am awake as i never been before. Damn you messed up head.