I just pick up my laptop and this is the result.

-

It is a time when I fell it not matter if I don’t ate the whole day. Starve myself?
As if it is a option. Like I would fell anything better if I ate. I put food in my mouth and chomp away those thing and pushed it down my throat. That it.
No feeling of satisfaction. I pickup up my phone and ran out of thing to scroll take out my laptop to the same old movies. I look outside. Maybe I could go out. But the dread of getting ready put on decent cloths put myself together, get out and go where? Takes a long ride to ergh no. going and coming from work just felt to long. It just 25 min away….and it feel like eternity. I ate because I fell like I need to do something. I need something to make me fell normal. To make me feel. I stand in front of the mirror seeing my sunken cheekbone. My dull skin. My thinning hair. Those tired eyes just had enough.
Am I going to end up like the others. The one who just exhausted of world and leave.
Empty. This hallow fells like an empty well that has no end that pulling me in. no one realizing that I am in danger of falling down. And perhaps when that time when I had given up trying not to fall down and actually falls down that hole no one notice it.
I don’t care how I looked. How fake that smile is. How im pushing everyone away. how I avoid small talk. How I crave for silence but at the same time terrified by it. how I am hiding in the light. How I create the perfect individual that wont stand out. That would just vanished. That would just fade. How she is perfect. Lovely. Kind. Everything that I am not. Just so I don’t have to show my true self. Because the real me is ugly. She is fighting with her demon. Fighting with no will to survived, I dragged myself to life another day and yet I crave for it to end for I cant find peace in silence. I get mad at the slightest thing.

“Why hadn’t you eat. You look paper thin.”
I had no strength to.
“I can’t eat this week I being depressed.”
Well aren’t we are. 
“You look thinner”.
Yeah great observation  …I lost 5 kg.
“are you trying to loose weight? Seriously.”
I am more stressed seeing the number on the scale went down that go up at this point.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Aku rasa mati

-
aku rasa mati. yang aku rasa bila aku ingat rumah tak ada guna.  tak rasa nak duduk rumah.  aku nak lari.  jauh jauh pergi. tapi aku bukan sendiri.  aku pernah rasa ingin mati.  tapi aku padamkan bila ku bayang wajah dia. sekarang aku rasa hati ku mati.  disebabkan orang yang sama.  segalanya aku dahulukan mereka tapi mereka kini dahulukan diri sendiri aku hanya sekadar diperlukan selagi ada guna. untuk mereka kelihatan malaikat aku yang menjadikan sikap, sabar, kasih sayang mereka sebagai idola. kini merasa semuanya tidak berguna. apa perlu lagi usaha. buang segalanya pergi segalanya aku malu aku rasa mati.
Read more

Sering mimpi bertemu lelaki tua.

-
Disebabkan post sebelum nie pasal mimpi aq teringat mimpi yang aq pernah alami masa aq kecik lg. Seingat aq masa tuh aq belum pun sekolah lg. Banyak benda yg aq x igt masa aq kecik tp disebabkan benda nie jadi kat aq banyak kali dah. So kadang2 aq akan teringat lg kat mimpi tuh. Aq selalu mimpi tentang seorang lelaki tua yg baik orang tua nie selalu main dengan aq sembang dengan aq sampaikan aq jadi selesa tiap kali jmpa dia. Tapi selang beberapa tahun lepas tu aq stop mimpi pasal tuh. And masa aq dah masuk sekolah dah kalu x silap lah aq mimpi balik orang tua nie. Aq terkejut jumpa dia bila aq tnya kenapa dia dh x mai jmpa aq. Dia ckp yg dia dh x larat dah x macam dulu. Aq pun dah besar. Tapi satu benda yg aq ingat2 lupa dia kata aq yg x jmpa dia. Aq assume yg semakin aq mambesar. Semakin jauh lah dia dari aq. A part of me still miss the dream. Well mimpi tuh bt aq dpt rasa kasih seorang datuk terhadap cucu dia. Dan satu benda lg tiap kali aq mimpi jmpa dia kami akan dudu
Read more

Degree oh degree

-
Pergh tajuk. Dilema. Satu perkataan yg boleh describe aq saat nie. Sma pasai nak sambung degree. Aq memang nak sambung. Mcam mana pun tapi aq degan muet x ambik lg. Satu hal. Aq. Terpikir nak sambung taun depam tapi mak dengan abah pulak macam mana. Kalu ikut aq mana pun boleh. Kja dlu then sambung. Bkan sikit duit nak bt degree. Tp tulah. Abah ego melampau keja pn dah nak pencen still berkeras nak full support aq belajar lg. Masalah sekarang nie macam mana nak bagitau mak. Payah mak tuh jenis keras jugak last2 jd mcm kolej tuh tangkap muat ja. Bukan aq nie x da harapan langsung. Tekanan betul. Kawan aq pulak klau contac aq mesti tnya pasal muet. Hadoiii. Dengan adik aq tengah amik muet skarng. Bleh pulak mak aq kta aq tangguh. Ad aku gtau dia aq nak amik ka?. Jgn push aq sgt bleh? Aq.klau boleh malas nk fikir tp x fikir tkt pulak aq. X nak lah belajar separuh jalan saja. Nak sampai habis. Macam mana nak buat nie. Arghh.
Read more