Take on life : Self hate.

Assalamualaikum
Hai awesome people.

So klau dh biasa kt snie maybe you get a little  glimps of how i am actually.  To tell the truth.  I not what i am today.  Five years ago i cant even look into the miror.  I am my worse critic.  Not critic like be .....
But more to critic that soul crushing. I may suffer from self hate. I am horrible at studies.  I dont have many friends growing up.  My one long term friend ever, stab me at the back.  Never been in a relationship ever.  Yes never.  I would sit in a group talk loud and laugh.  But then i change.  Its like a flick of switch i turn distant.  Feels like people around me were forced to sit with me.  They hate me.  Wish me were gone.  Were happier if i weren't there. 

I try not to think that much often.  But maybe that why i get the negative vibes often and its like being in water.  Dont know when you going to drown in the endless darkness.

Ever since i was little i dont express the word "i love you... " "muni syang mak."

Even typing that make me shivers. 
Mungkin sebab tuh aq dingin.

Since kids i want to go away from everything. Being badly bullied in preschool i hated the fact that i had to spend the 5 hours being tormented.
My text book being rips to pieces just because my mom wrap it neat in a clear plastic and completely diferent from other kids. 

Being called names because of my skin colors.  Anak mamak.  Hindu.  Budak tepi jalan jerit kat aq msa blek mengaji sruh aq bkak tudung kta aq bkan melayu.  Aq hindu paria. 

Yes, i never ever speak to anyone about things like this before. I grew up be anti social. Scared of adults. Hides in plain sight.  Never feel like im belong to any where in my life.  Everything i join i would always feels lile being excluded. 

Pernah lap kuah kacang yang tumpah dengan kain sekolah sndri sbb takut sangat dgn pembantu tadika yang ugut "klau ad kesan dia akan sndri lap gna baju kami. "

I grew up in fear of making wrong moves.  In fact i still am.  Im not making this at the point i already came over things.  Its taking me half of my life time to admit all of this, to bring it all back and put it into words?  If only you could feel it.

Maybe i am depressed.  Maybe im not.

Everytime i feel out of place it feels like drowing.  Keep pushing my feet to reach for air.  And i close my eyes in between to drown or perhaps create this perfect illusion that trick myself into believe that i am fine.
But i am not.

You would never guess how low some people could be pushing themselves.  I think about death at the age of 10. Maybe if i were gone, dead, the pain would stop.

People says one step to overcame your fear is to admiting it.  Maybe one day i would overcame this feeling but right now i am writhing this my eyes bloodshot  red. 
..... In a phase of self blame and self hate.  Again. .....

Even when my close friend now says that she think of me more that a friend.  As her sister.  And i love her.  But i cant help feeling like waiting when she going to hate me and throw me away.

At time i do feels like drowning.  Hard to breathe.  I hate the fact that i find it so hard to love myself.

There so much i want to say.  Alas i dont know where to start or how to says. When come to come clean with feeling i hide about 99.99% from the world.

I hide from the people around me.  Friends.... Family.... Many time i runs away/distance myself from people who love me just because i feel like i dont deserve it.  And the thoughts of one day their love would be gone and i left hanging like ripped unwanted branch of a tree. 

Im Not putting this out to crave attentions or raih sympathy.  No. All i want to says is no matter how little or big.  No one in this world is deserved to be bullied it would not stop.  The pain could only grow. For the strong they may heal but for some it just keep growing.  Look at me and remember that i used to be bullied and at the age of 23 i cant even smile when i look into the mirror.  I cant say things like you beutiful.  You are enough to myself.  Probably i pretend to be motivated.  But i know better.  In my head "dont you dare screw up" rings like a deaths bells.