Munirah Meerasa

I have told myself.  Many times, Repeating like a mantra, Stop thinking about it, Stop feeling it, Don't be like this. Don't give in. Don't show.  Don't.... I have forced myself,  To wake up, To get up, To keep walking, To keep smiling, To close my eyes at night and rest, I need to rest I deserved it.  I have told myself NO  Turn myself against it many times.  but  Like screaming to the wall.  Nothing bounce back  When the scream is silent  I cant flip the switch  I CANT  I cant just smile and forget it.  It's like trying to hold water with a leaking cup  Sometime its feels like filling the already full cup.  You can't retain anything else  I feel like I'm losing myself  Going through the day.  I'm barely holding on  Trying to grasp it.  Nothing works.  It's the human nature trying to fix things  Trying to find the broken gear  Trying to see the faults  Trying to find ...

It's the calm before the storm. It is there and i know it. The calm that i am feeling right this moment is a false sense of reality. False sense of comfort. There is no dread. No anxiety. Absolute calm. Hiding the ugly storm, that would come and rage all emotion, all composure. Leaving me nothing but a empty husk. Leaving me with an empty hollow, a shell of a human. Masking the hole inside of me that once again forced open. Its the calm before storm. Waiting to rear its ugly head. how much i know about it, would not have prepared me of what about to come.