My sleep deprivation and my "recovery"

So yeah i probably had said it few time that i am having problem falling sleep for more than few month, more like two year but its been on and off, but this time, it happen to for few month straight. Its either i would go to bed at any hour at all and fails to fall asleep until 2 am and woke up at 4 am and again at 5 am and repetitively 10 min interval until i give up trying to fall asleep and wake up, or i would passed out early and wake up at every hour. All the wake up in the middle of the night, always caused by a night mare. Its either continuous dream or a different dream each time.

So naturally i get really desperate to solved my problem. Trying so many natural things that you would do, things that any normal human would do. 

Heck, i even quit coffee for a week but it does nothing!

Yeah! i am pissed. Long story short i had heard of a sleep remedy that some people would take in a form of pills, not sleeping pill, but a supplement route. 

I did my research, google search to be exact. and i found some interesting fact, well there are interesting for me at least.

Melatonin.

I know it could causes some controversy in a lot of ways but hear me out. Not a single soul in my life had known about this. Not that they care anyway. but lucky for me Melatonin is accessible for me as a simple online order.
I placed my order and it took about a week to get to me. Even though it was a local shop. (yeah i am salty about it.)

It conveniently arrive on the weekend, i decided to take my first on Sunday night because i had work on Monday.
I've takes note and track my sleep using an app. Yeah i am that through. as i go back to my notes, I realized that i took it on Saturday, well i guess i am that desperate to fall asleep.

13 Apr 19 Saturday.12.03 am.

Thanks to mr google i know that it will take 30-60 minutes for the pills to take effect.
First day, kind of scared and really nervous.

>Update i felt really sleepy around 20-30 minutes after that, but i am still skeptical about it. Did the pills take effect or its the placebo effect or its my own body that is really exhausted. But i did woke up around 5.30 am, because of this scary dream i had. i woke up again at 8 something feeling more tired and sleepy compared to when i did at 5.30 am.

14 Apr 19 10.45 pm.

I am taking the pill for the second day. Tommorow is a work day. With hope to not wake up in the middle of the night.

I did remember last night dream was about my house caught fire and i rush to go back home and when i came home i saw my how was gone. The wall had demolished and there not even debree left.

15 Apr 19 11.38 pm

I start to track my sleep using tracker app, sleep cycle.

16 apr 9.45 pm

Taking it early to see if i can tweek my sleeping schedule. Also i am dead tired but again unable to fall asleep.

17 apr 19

Update on the sleep cycle last night is really bad, i woke up at 3 am something because of my sister, and i fails to fall back to sleep. well that was a bust. the same half awake half asleep until it was 6.45 am ang both of us late for work today. i kind of think that maybe it's because i took the pill earlier than previous two days but also maybe because of that weird dream.

How weird you ask?
First it was me forgetting that i was supposed to went back early at 12.30 pm and it was already 1.30 pm and i was rushing like mad woman with my unending stuff that was scatered on my table. then i don't remember another two more dreams and last one i was peeing and i am wearing baju kurung and the skirt was falling on the floor and get wet all of the sudden my skirt falls and i pull it up then my sleeve falls and i cant even wash my hand without getting my dress wet, at that time i was having breakdown because i supposed to get ready afterward to go out. it was a disaster and i wake up with that feeling and throw my blanket off and went to shower. It's felt like i wasn't asleep at all last night after 3 am.

18 Apr 19 12.06 am with hope of not awake in the middle of the night.

I don't have work today but i wake up during my sister was getting ready for the day and i felt numb, like my body shut down completely. My eyelids was so heavy and i can't even move my limbs.
I am tempted to increase my dosage from 3 mg to 6mg but i afraid of being dependant of the pills that i decide not to do that. If you know me at all. You would know that i HATE pills any kind of medication i hate. So naturally medicine is my last reasort. In this case i should have gone to doctor. But i am super paranoid and anti social when my anxiety is a peak. You know how it work. You see one person  and get referral to another and had to do trial and error to see anything that would help. No i am not taking chance with a stranger. And fueling money to that route could potentially drain my bank account. So i decided to take my it on my own. I know its bad. Dangerous and everthing but try to live one day in my head. I don't witsh that for my worst enemy.

Owh and i didn't take the pill toning just to see how my sleep schedule would be affected.

19 Apr 19

After previous update, i took a nap at like 6 pm something. And wake up at 9 am this morning. Ops. I am that kind of person that never nap, i just went straight to hibernation. Wake up feeling like i have slept for the whole year. Had some dream last night but overall nothing woke me up.

20 apr 19

I didn't plan to not take the pills but i kind of fall asleep before i remember to take the pill. That was great improvements. That all. With exception of a wild dream of me begin chased by a group of 10-15 people trying to murder me, wake up with a sharp pain in my arm from being tied in my dream. I remember wake up and look at my right arm to check if it bleed. Then i was like. Why would it be. That was just a dream.

Fast forward to 26 apr 19

I've been off pill for 6 day's and i could fall asleep naturally and still having weird dream and wake up in the middle of the night. But not as bad as it was before. Maybe i woke up once and able to fall back to asleep.

This is in a place of more calm version of me and not so frantic, i wouldn't be taking it on daily basis but i would be taking it only when i am having trouble sleeping like for example of four hours trying to falls asleep. so i would update again if anything changes with my journey of 'imsomnia'. that of for now.

One question though. Is it bad that i had dreams every night? My friend told me that i shouldn't be having dream every single night. Its not normal.
But i also have a phase of like a year of not having dreams at all. I felt horrible, like going to a dark tunnel, the more you go the dark it goes and the suppress you felt. But also had dream every single night is not fun especially when you had dream where you need to escape or runs or in an emergency situations every night. Its not fun. Anyway i had a few experience of lucid dream even before i know what it is. If you don't know what lucid dream is. Stop now and google and educate yourself dum dum. What have you been doing with your life? (Jk)

That weird dream that i had few night ago was one of the most realistic and the closest to a lucid dream i had in a long time. But that is a story in another time.