Munirah Meerasa

I think i have to make a confession. Maybe with this all the late night thought that keeping my mind in a complete chaos would slow down. Or at least i dont wake up abruptly at 3.00 am on saturday morning that i had to face another day at work and be in the rush again. But then to be remember that is finally weekend. I think i almost lost my sanity for quite some time.  I don't think i am happy here. I know that im not! True that sometimes the more you earn the less happy you are. I try. I really do. Try to be good, better. But all i did was tumbling around and make such a mess every where i go. I am out of place and dont belong. I cant even force myself to smile at work. Or even talk about it. And that just within three months working there. When i make this decision i keep wonder do i make the right decision. And i still dont think that i make a right one. Was i meant to be here at the first place. What allah has set up for me. I try my best in every way but it won't work....

I am for once not a spender. Do i have a slight addiction to buying a new lipstick every month. But i usually prefer to refrain myself from spend to much cash at one time. And usually felt guilty when i spend too much at one time. Well, yesterday i went out with my friend for iftar and we did went shopping. I told myself. hey,  let get a new pants for work. Been wearing the same pair to deaths. really. But at the store i just feel like why should i refrain myself. Ive been feeling like shit for the past months. I want to feel good somehow. And so. I spend much more than i expect. Though i dont really need things that i purchased. And dont really care about it. I felt good and a little happy being able to spend money for myself. All I've been doing this past 2 month is work,  work and work. This may seem like i am rewarding myself for those hard work i been in to. But this is honestly an impulsive buying disorder kind of a deal. I feel the need to buy and buy. Spend money like ...